I am extremely positive about uni at the moment. I got in the mood to do some work this evening. So I have organised all my notes, emailed group members to get started on assignments and made a list of what I want/need to get done this weekend. Again a huge thanks to Sean for nudging me in the right direction and enabling me to get into uni.

I have also made a step towards doing other things in the house. The fire alarms have had their batteries changed for the first time (I think), the shelf in my wardrobe has been fixed thanks to A and I have finally stuck the em strange calendar pictures on my wall and stuck my name sign above a door. All in all it has been a very positive and productive day.

A is planning on leaving in the next day or two. So that means more house cleaning for me and talking to the real estate peoples.

Also I managed to pay all the bills for the next month, which was a lot of money but I’m glad it is done. It lets me know what money I have left over.

Step two is now complete. I have spoken to my year coordinator and she is going to get our academic advisor to talk to me about my options. She has also recommended that I go see the counselling ppl at student services to talk about things and to get me in a positive mental state. I have also been given a weeks grace on my next assignment, and handed on the late one today.

So step one is complete. Email from msn has been removed, links to blogs have been tucked away…I know I should just delete them… Emails have been archived and removed from sight.

Its a start I guess. If he can move on I guess I don’t have much of a choice.

Wow am I ever pathetic. Even though I know no one reads this I still repeatedly check to see if someone has left me a comment or something. Just like I know I shouldn’t I still check H and even Ts blogs constantly for news. I thought that by moving the link from my menu it would stop me from looking so often, but alas its all a lie. Everyone else seems to be able to move on so why can’t I? Should I just delete the link altogether? Remove him from my msn? I’ve already removed him from my favourites to stop it from being so fucking obvious, maybe I need to do more. What I wouldn’t give right now to be able to stop thinking about him. I don’t think there is anyway that I can remove him from my life, there are constant reminders. I need something so time and energy consuming that I can’t think of him any more. This whole fucking situation is screwing with me. I’m constantly crying, can’t focus on anything, can’t concentrate. I have no motivation to even finish uni. I obviously need a life. So all I can really do is try to remove it as it just hurts too much, constantly.

It was brought to my attention this evening by one of my friends that because I was having problems with motivation and concentration at uni due to some personal issues, that I should prob talk to someone about it and maybe consider deferring this year till next year. Honestly why do we never think of these things ourselves?

I am very thankful for him as he helped me immensely to actually complete the progress report which is 3 days overdue. So I have now completed it, sent an email to my lecturer explaining why it is delayed and I have emailed my year coordinator who is very nice, to talk to her about my issues and some way to combat it or options I may have.

Until I had completed this report I was seriously considering deferring till next year, as I’d rather defer than fail everything this semester, especially as census is in two days time. Now that I have completed I am feeling more upbeat and positive for the semester. So once again I am extremely thankful to Sean for helping me out.

I have taken one step forward with my family, mum has emailed me about something to do with the house and we were able to converse, even if it wasn’t something personal, its still a step. I have even spoken to my brother through email and briefly through msn, so it is another step forward.

I read a story today that was really good, but very confronting and sad. I really liked it, but I don’t want to dwell on it as it has things to do with my own life and how I feel about things. Its one of those things that you don’t want to believe you are at fault.

I have been getting rather interested in reading up on some finance and property books as well as a few self development ones too. Things like, Barefoot Investor (apparently has a lot of useful info even for students), Don’t sweat the small stuff, 0-150 properties in 3 years. Its things that other ordinary people managed to do without having to starve themselves and go without those nice things we need to make life liveable.

My sister and I talked today, I am thankful that she understands me somewhat and can understand the problems I am having at the moment. She wanted me to talk to her about this issues I am having with the family and with H. I couldn’t, I don’t know what to say, hell I don’t even know and can’t put into words how I feel so how do I explain it to someone else?

Sigh

Time away, distancing, moving on, I know and understand it. Doesn’t mean I have to understand or like it. If that made any sense at all. For some reason I can’t but I can understand that he needs to, hell I don’t like me so I can understand why someone I’ve dated would want to distance themselves and move on. With talks with A, he wants a partner, to settle down a bit, the companionship, me? Honestly I imagine that I will single for a year yet, if not more. Dating doesn’t really bother me, I’ve always been a loner. I don’t usually seek people out, thus I have very little chance of even meeting someone even if I did want to.

The guys (A, and J) keep trying to convince me that I am attractive and that I should get into modelling (don’t really believe that one…). A says that guys don’t approach me out of fear. Well if that is so then we are all doomed.

Not that anyone reads this, but I guess I do have to say sorry that this whole thing is a just a pity party for myself. All I seem to do is whinge, no wonder my family hates me and I keep losing friends. Just gives me one more thing I hate myself for.

Well despite my efforts I am still biting my nails, still haven’t got a regular healthy sleeping pattern, study pattern, food habits or exercise pattern.

I have an assignment due in 12 hours and I haven’t even started it yet…I did plan on doing this evening, but then decided I couldn’t be fucked and didn’t care that much, so didn’t do it. I figure I’ll just hand it in a day late or something. *shrug* don’t care too much.

Got a call from dad today while I was at work, wanting to know how the weather was…after a cyclone came this direction. Why is it that I hear from them after and not before the cyclone? Granted we didn’t even get any weird weather, no wind or rain, so slightly disappointing.

Found out that one of my cousins gave birth on Saturday, so I have a new second cousin Adrian I believe.

IT would appear that Mum still isn’t talking to me, but she has been sending me those annoying fwd chain emails with my siblings. Still not too keen to talk to her until she grows up a little, so I haven’t called home to speak to dad in case she answers the phone. As much as I’d like to do what “Don’t sweat the small stuff” recommends, I am sick of the people who hurt me constantly getting away with it, to just do it all over again. Hence the reason I’m not really talking to half of my family. I don’t want to be the sensible, responsible one and let bygones be bygones. I admit that I did something stupid, but I wasn’t the only one. So why should I be the only to blame, the only one to apologise?

I’d like to change, but don’t have the strength or the courage to do so. So until then (probably never) I will just float by and survive without ever accomplishing anything or experiencing much happiness. Hell sometimes I don’t think I even deserve to be happy, I’m just a screw up who can’t do or get anything right.

Unfortunately I have discovered once again too late, to appreciate what I had. I’m not sure if its me coming to my senses or if its just because he’s always been there, but I miss him. Many times I’ve wanted to tell him I love him, but I don’t expect it to accomplish anything. I’m supposed to be growing and maturing without him here, doesn’t feel like anything is happening. He is at least experiencing something new and expanding his horizons, not me though. All I do now is uni and work, I’m not playing hockey because I’m trying to save money, I haven’t gone to the anime club due to fears, and I didn’t do tai chi because I was tired and lazy. So where does that get me? Stuck at home in my room by myself reading. I’ve been doing so much of it that Ant has been going next door to drink and talk, and he thinks that he can’t talk to me about anything. So it would seem that I’ve fucked up another good friendship. That would three at least by now, J, T, Ant and prob H. Good to know I’m such a great human being.

Gotta love being all alone.

Lol..or maybe not. I found out today that the Argentina women’s hockey team will be arriving tomorrow at 4.30pm..while I am at work. So its pretty cool that I’ll get to see them arrive, though they do have bad timing…we are in the middle of a cyclone warning or watch..not really sure which it is at the moment. *Shrug* either way it is expected to hit sometime tomorrow…and I’m doing the close…

Have a stupid HS assignment “progress report” due on monday..and I haven’t started it yet…I kinda hope that the cyclone hits and wipes out the net so I don’t have to hand it in on Monday, bad thing about that is that I’m likely to be very bored with no net and that I’ll have to do the damn thing eventually… Okay so maybe I don’t wont the net to be taken out by 170km winds…

Just got home from work so I shall procrastinate for a few hours before I decide that I should probably do the research and article reading that I require *Sigh*

Today has been very long and painful. I have over the last week totally screwed my good sleeping patterns. Due to this I have been awake for nearly 30 hours and I am so damn exhausted.

I figured that class was only and hour and half long and I could get some sleep…then I get called into work for 4 hours, which of course gets extended to close. *sigh* As much as I dont want to I do it because one of the girls has discovered that she is pregnant and is having all day issues with morning sickness. Poor thing, even coming to work and constantly running to the bathrooms and wearing the anti nausea bands due to the constant nausea.

Oh well I’m over it. One problem being that I do have an assignment due on Monday and I haven’t started it and “I’m working all weekend. So that should be fun.

I haven’t done any exercise since going for a swim, I wanted to go for a walk this morning, but then remembered the results last time I tried something like that on little sleep….I have the scars on my shin to show for it..

Ok so damn tired, will hopefully have better news over the weekend.

Well I didn’t end up waking early…its what happens when you don’t want to sleep…you get very little of it. So I didn’t go for a walk, but I did go for a swim in the afternoon. I was planning on going for a walk in the morning, but that would be in 3 hours time, so won’t be doing that one either.

Things aren’t really going well, but when do they ever?