Not that anyone reads this, but I guess I do have to say sorry that this whole thing is a just a pity party for myself. All I seem to do is whinge, no wonder my family hates me and I keep losing friends. Just gives me one more thing I hate myself for.

Well despite my efforts I am still biting my nails, still haven’t got a regular healthy sleeping pattern, study pattern, food habits or exercise pattern.

I have an assignment due in 12 hours and I haven’t even started it yet…I did plan on doing this evening, but then decided I couldn’t be fucked and didn’t care that much, so didn’t do it. I figure I’ll just hand it in a day late or something. *shrug* don’t care too much.

Got a call from dad today while I was at work, wanting to know how the weather was…after a cyclone came this direction. Why is it that I hear from them after and not before the cyclone? Granted we didn’t even get any weird weather, no wind or rain, so slightly disappointing.

Found out that one of my cousins gave birth on Saturday, so I have a new second cousin Adrian I believe.

IT would appear that Mum still isn’t talking to me, but she has been sending me those annoying fwd chain emails with my siblings. Still not too keen to talk to her until she grows up a little, so I haven’t called home to speak to dad in case she answers the phone. As much as I’d like to do what “Don’t sweat the small stuff” recommends, I am sick of the people who hurt me constantly getting away with it, to just do it all over again. Hence the reason I’m not really talking to half of my family. I don’t want to be the sensible, responsible one and let bygones be bygones. I admit that I did something stupid, but I wasn’t the only one. So why should I be the only to blame, the only one to apologise?

I’d like to change, but don’t have the strength or the courage to do so. So until then (probably never) I will just float by and survive without ever accomplishing anything or experiencing much happiness. Hell sometimes I don’t think I even deserve to be happy, I’m just a screw up who can’t do or get anything right.

Unfortunately I have discovered once again too late, to appreciate what I had. I’m not sure if its me coming to my senses or if its just because he’s always been there, but I miss him. Many times I’ve wanted to tell him I love him, but I don’t expect it to accomplish anything. I’m supposed to be growing and maturing without him here, doesn’t feel like anything is happening. He is at least experiencing something new and expanding his horizons, not me though. All I do now is uni and work, I’m not playing hockey because I’m trying to save money, I haven’t gone to the anime club due to fears, and I didn’t do tai chi because I was tired and lazy. So where does that get me? Stuck at home in my room by myself reading. I’ve been doing so much of it that Ant has been going next door to drink and talk, and he thinks that he can’t talk to me about anything. So it would seem that I’ve fucked up another good friendship. That would three at least by now, J, T, Ant and prob H. Good to know I’m such a great human being.

Gotta love being all alone.