Step two is now complete. I have spoken to my year coordinator and she is going to get our academic advisor to talk to me about my options. She has also recommended that I go see the counselling ppl at student services to talk about things and to get me in a positive mental state. I have also been given a weeks grace on my next assignment, and handed on the late one today.

So step one is complete. Email from msn has been removed, links to blogs have been tucked away…I know I should just delete them… Emails have been archived and removed from sight.

Its a start I guess. If he can move on I guess I don’t have much of a choice.

Wow am I ever pathetic. Even though I know no one reads this I still repeatedly check to see if someone has left me a comment or something. Just like I know I shouldn’t I still check H and even Ts blogs constantly for news. I thought that by moving the link from my menu it would stop me from looking so often, but alas its all a lie. Everyone else seems to be able to move on so why can’t I? Should I just delete the link altogether? Remove him from my msn? I’ve already removed him from my favourites to stop it from being so fucking obvious, maybe I need to do more. What I wouldn’t give right now to be able to stop thinking about him. I don’t think there is anyway that I can remove him from my life, there are constant reminders. I need something so time and energy consuming that I can’t think of him any more. This whole fucking situation is screwing with me. I’m constantly crying, can’t focus on anything, can’t concentrate. I have no motivation to even finish uni. I obviously need a life. So all I can really do is try to remove it as it just hurts too much, constantly.

It was brought to my attention this evening by one of my friends that because I was having problems with motivation and concentration at uni due to some personal issues, that I should prob talk to someone about it and maybe consider deferring this year till next year. Honestly why do we never think of these things ourselves?

I am very thankful for him as he helped me immensely to actually complete the progress report which is 3 days overdue. So I have now completed it, sent an email to my lecturer explaining why it is delayed and I have emailed my year coordinator who is very nice, to talk to her about my issues and some way to combat it or options I may have.

Until I had completed this report I was seriously considering deferring till next year, as I’d rather defer than fail everything this semester, especially as census is in two days time. Now that I have completed I am feeling more upbeat and positive for the semester. So once again I am extremely thankful to Sean for helping me out.

I have taken one step forward with my family, mum has emailed me about something to do with the house and we were able to converse, even if it wasn’t something personal, its still a step. I have even spoken to my brother through email and briefly through msn, so it is another step forward.

I read a story today that was really good, but very confronting and sad. I really liked it, but I don’t want to dwell on it as it has things to do with my own life and how I feel about things. Its one of those things that you don’t want to believe you are at fault.

I have been getting rather interested in reading up on some finance and property books as well as a few self development ones too. Things like, Barefoot Investor (apparently has a lot of useful info even for students), Don’t sweat the small stuff, 0-150 properties in 3 years. Its things that other ordinary people managed to do without having to starve themselves and go without those nice things we need to make life liveable.

My sister and I talked today, I am thankful that she understands me somewhat and can understand the problems I am having at the moment. She wanted me to talk to her about this issues I am having with the family and with H. I couldn’t, I don’t know what to say, hell I don’t even know and can’t put into words how I feel so how do I explain it to someone else?

Sigh

Time away, distancing, moving on, I know and understand it. Doesn’t mean I have to understand or like it. If that made any sense at all. For some reason I can’t but I can understand that he needs to, hell I don’t like me so I can understand why someone I’ve dated would want to distance themselves and move on. With talks with A, he wants a partner, to settle down a bit, the companionship, me? Honestly I imagine that I will single for a year yet, if not more. Dating doesn’t really bother me, I’ve always been a loner. I don’t usually seek people out, thus I have very little chance of even meeting someone even if I did want to.

The guys (A, and J) keep trying to convince me that I am attractive and that I should get into modelling (don’t really believe that one…). A says that guys don’t approach me out of fear. Well if that is so then we are all doomed.