Its been so long since I’ve posted and a lot has happened. Therapy is going well and the medication has kicked in.

Dad came to stay with me for a week and a half (he leaves Thursday). He came for my last week of Uni and also to keep me out of hospital. I was barely eating or drinking, kept thinking of suicide, wanted to go into hospital so someone else could look after me and generally not doing well. I love dad and am so glad he’s here as I haven’t had full bad days yet, just moments like now. When I realise how lonely I am and much I wish I had someone else to help me through this. Family is great but I want someone closer who I can tell anything.

Its times like these I don’t want to get better and I just don’t want to wake up. What did I do to make this happen? I miss who I thought was my best friend so much right now. I want to know if its just me having these issues. He’s over there with friends and I got left all alone. No one close to lean on.

After my therapy session today I went for a 40 minute bike ride and I think I did around 9kms. Felt good, legs were jelly like when I got home though, but that is to be expected.

When I got home I started on that damn case study again. Did some more on it. I’m losing interest though…. I”ve decided that I’ll be handing this assignment in tomorrow no matter what. If it is finished or not. My therapist thinks that I should focus less on uni stuff and focus more on my own personal development and getting better. As she says, maybe I’m sabotaging myself because I don’t think that I am ready for next semester. So I’m doing it unconsciously. It does make sense. As she says it isn’t the end of the world if I have to repeat a subject. But really don’t want to. So I now need to work on self esteem first, she thinks that it could be an underlying issue, and when it gets better the depression will get better on its own.

Ok lost interest in the case study. I’m going to get changed and get some food…unhealthy maccas, but last night I ate popcorn…so I think its a bit better than that.

Had my first session with my new psychologist last week and I have my next one tomorrow. Apparently I have severe clinical depression and mild anxiety. Knowing this doesn’t really help much. The cognitive-behavioural therapy I will be undertaking is supposed to help me relearn new behaviours to replace those that are unhelpful to me.

Some days I don’t even want to get better. At the moment I”m just so tired and am so sick of feeling guilty. I don’t want to do anything when I’m at home and then uni stuff doesn’t get done and I know it needs to be, so then I just feel so guilty but I still can’t get myself to do anything about it. Today I felt so positive about doing stuff when i was at uni and when I got home it started out well. Then I struck a problem in putting the pump into the fish tank and it all fell apart. Seems like that whenever I am at home for more than half an hour everything goes grey. I don’t want to do anything and I am so tired and exhausted. This arfternoon I fell asleep on the couch for a good couple of hours. And yet again my assignments didn’t get done. I keep saying that tomorrow I will hand it in no matter what but I don’t want to hand in something incomplete and since I’m having problems getting to it, it never gets done ad it never gets handed in…

A never ending cycle.

I’ve started thinking about H more and more lately, basically I just end up getting upset because I think it is just me. That I’m the only one having these issues, that I’ve been forgotten, that its like it never happened. Its just do hard some days.

I don’t want to ever wake up.

Listening to mental health stuff at uni isn’t helping me at all. I’ve had a few presentations and lectures that were all about mental health and I can’t help but think how it all applies to me. Then I start thinking about stuff. Slit wrists, medication overdose. Usually nothing more than a fleeting thought but I’m having them more often then I ever had before. I was curious to what the effect would be if I took a months worth of anti-depressants at one go. I know that overdose like that is a painful way to go, the stomach perforates and it isn’t nice at all. Somestimes knowing this kind of info that we learn is not helpful to someone experiencing it at all. I know the logical things but the problem is putting them into action.

I don’t even feel like I want to get better, then I feel horrible and guilty because I wonder if I just want attention and if I’m selfish.

Sleeping forever would help because when I’m asleep I can’t think, i’m not feeling guilty for once.

Don’t want to wake up. Maybe I should have stopped uni alltogether this semester. I can’t cope with it all, I don’t want to do anything. Just sleep. Forever.