Well it has been three weeks since my medication was increased and things have not been good. The second week in I had a very bad night. I think I just started to feel lonely when I saw a facebook update from Hedley and things just spiraled from there. I really wanted to swallow a whole heap of pills. As you can guess since I’m actually writing this I am neither dead nor in hospital, I didn’t actually do anything. I took a couple of sleeping pills and went to bed.
Everything was ok until Tuesday a week ago. I went to toastmasters with some people from the support group and had a great time. I was all good until I stopped doing anything and started thinking. Shall I mention that that morning I had received a call from my boss basically telling me that I have become unreliable (from missing 2 or 3 shifts only) and that I was no longer going to be rostered. So I am basically jobless.
So yes Tuesday at 4 am I started to think and then to cry and then it went down hill fast. I just lost it. I wanted to do something so badly, I didn’t know why but I just did. I was scratching my face with my nails, considering cutting myself and then I went downstairs. To the kitchen. To all my medications. I pulled everything out and was contemplating taking a whole heap of them. I think only the thought of scaring my new housemate and that I knew they wouldn’t kill me stopped me from doing it.
I told the people at my support group on Thursday and they made me go to my GP first think on Friday. I now am listed with the acute mental health unit and they are talking to me to see what should be done and I now have other sleeping pills.
I have been okayish for the last week. I managed to hand in one of my outstanding assignments. Tonight I got a bit upset again about the whole work thing, but luckily nothing major. I have emailed the three people from my support group in hopes one of them might be free tomorrow, well today I guess….so I can talk to D about it all before I go to Brisbane tomorrow (i guess it is now).
We shall see how it all goessssssss…. honestly I don’t really want to go to bed yet even though its past 3am and I pratically didn’t sleep last night. I just don’t want to get the time to think and then to worry and upset myself.
I really just want to be back to me a year ago. A happier not suicidal me. I just feel so isolated and alone here. I feel like I have no friends here at all.
I see pictures of H and how it looks like he’s lost weight and all that he’s done, and I wonder what the hell have I acomplished in the last 3 months? Nothing I’ve barely read anything, my life and my house are a mess. I havent been exercising and getting fit like I wanted, I haven’t even touched the spanish program I got and wanted to really learn. I haven’t done anything at all. I’m alive, barely and thats all. My life has been such a waste. I wonder whats the point? I”m never going to get to do the things I dream of, i’m never going to make a difference.
I go to bris tomorrow and won’t be able to do the fun things that I might need because I have no income and everyone will be telling me not to spend money, but i really don’t care. I just want to feel better…………