Too much time to think is not good. I love work and I love being busy, but I never feel relaxed and rested no matter what I do. When I’m not at work I’m sitting on the computer, watching or reading things that I enjoy but afterward make me sad. The happy endings, the love stories. Like where in hell am I ever going to meet a guy, let alone ‘the one’? I don’t do anything that could allow this to happen. I feel so lonely sometimes that I occasionally call someone. Which I guess isn’t the best idea, because re-falling for someone when you are pretty sure they don’t reciprocate is not fun. Hell I’ve done it once just to hear his voice.

I’m not sure what I feel anymore. I discovered that my group of friends from uni were all here for graduation, yet not one of them contacted me. I didn’t know about it till after I saw pictures of them all together on facebook.

I feel like I’m not getting anywhere. Have no apetite and no motivation. If I’m not at work I’m lucky to eat at all, let alone something healthy.

Its a new year, supposedly full of possibilities. I made only two resolutions this time, to eat once piece of fruit a day and to swim after work. We’ll see how I go.

I felt like I had to inform someone of my loneliness. It isn’t something that can be posted on Facebook. I’m not even sure if its something that can be told to a person directly. Because after all it is probably my own fault. I feel at times (most of it) that I can’t connect with the majority of my friends outside of Hand Up. I barely ever see my uni friends an I have noticed that I don’t get invites to things anymore. I see things/events constantly on Facebook, pictures of my class and friends together all having fun, but I’m never there, never told about it. Is it my depression, the fact that I am no longer part of that class or is it that I have withdrawn from them? I have no idea, but whatever it is I hate it. I haven’t seen or heard from Sean in months, I tried texting him and sending him a few messages on Facebook, but I never got a response so I gave up. Is it all my fault that the only people I see regularly are the ones from Hand Up? I visit Tim at work often. Do I no longer have a connection to those outside of the group? Sure I usually enjoy being on my own, doing my own thing, but I do need sometime with others. Why is it that I’m always the one that has to take the first step? I barely get the motivation to eat let alone do anything else. I wish that someone out there cared enough to take that step for me, but it seems like no one outside of Hand Up remembers I exist. None of my other friends seem to care enough to remember me.

Well I’m not totally sure how I would describe how things have been progressing. I haven’t had any real down for quite some time now which is good, but I do feel that I have been living in a perpetual state of delirium. Its like I’m not really here and I’m not living. When I  haven’t been at work, I have been practically sleeping for 20 hours a day. I feel that there is nothing to wake up for. Life is just passing along without me. I’ve barely been eating again. I looked at my tummy today and discovered that my hip bones are rather prominent again. I really do wonder how much weight I’ve lost. I have no apetite at all, I don’t want to eat, not even crap like Maccas ( which is kinda good I guess, in a way).

I feel sort of out of it when I am awake. Like I am dizzy and light headed, but not really. Its really hard to describe.

Over a week ago I had dinner for a few friends where we had a lamb roast and all the roast veggies, it was great and I loved having everyone over.

Got my new house mate and I finally learnt her name which is good.  Today I cleaned out the kitchen cupboards so that she had some space. I through so much out of date stuff away, but at least everything left is actually stuff that I will eat and not left over Hedley stuff.  I also finally washed my sheets and towel, which is the first time is rather a long time.  Eventually I might even clean my room again, but its probably something I will have to work up to.

Well it has been a long time since I’ve written anything here. Not a lot has happened in the last two months. I did my exams and some how managed to pass my classes at uni. The medication has kicked in I think, I’m not really having many serious downs.

I do feel like I’m in limbo though. I’m sleeping a lot, probably bordering on 18 hours a day. I can’t fins any reason good enough to get out of bed unless I’m working. My sleeping pattern is all over the place. I’m sleeping during the day and waking up for a few hours at night, then I’m sleeping again.

I’m tired all the time and I’m not really eating, so when I am awake I feel weak and don’t have the energy to et up and out of the house. Don’t think I’ve left the house for a few days, I think Tuesday might have been the last time I did… I didn’t even make it to support group because I was asleep.

The world feels a bit like a whole lot of nothing.

I feel like I’m in limbo. I don’t know what to do. My life is so messed up. Things have been so bad since I got back. Saturday was great, I was al excited about my fish and getting new fish. Sunday was not good. Sunday night was so bad that I took 10 sleeping tablets plus another 6 pain killers. I slept through Monday to Tuesday morning. I basically haven’t showered, eaten or brushed my teeth. I just don’t care. I feel so lonely and isolated. I don’t know if I should go home to Darwin or if I should percivere here. I don’t feel like I”ll ever get better, I don’t even feel like I want to get better. Its like theres nothing there, no past and no future. Everything around me is black and I’m just barely living, not really awake, not really functioning.

I don’t want to worry people, mI feel like I’m not worth it. Reading my favourite websitess just seems to do me harm as I wonder why the good things don’t happen to me.

I’m so sorry to everyone.

I’ve never wanted to hurt or worry anyone. I’m sorry.

Well it has been three weeks since my medication was increased and things have not been good. The second week in I had a very bad night. I think I just started to feel lonely when I saw a facebook update from Hedley and things just spiraled from there. I really wanted to swallow a whole heap of pills. As you can guess since I’m actually writing this I am neither dead nor in hospital, I didn’t actually do anything. I took a couple of sleeping pills and went to bed.

Everything was ok until Tuesday a week ago. I went to toastmasters with some people from the support group and had a great time. I was all good until I stopped doing anything and started thinking. Shall I mention that that morning I had received a call from my boss basically telling me that I have become unreliable (from missing 2 or 3 shifts only) and that I was no longer going to be rostered. So I am basically jobless.

So yes Tuesday at 4 am I started to think and then to cry and then it went down hill fast. I just lost it. I wanted to do something so badly, I didn’t know why but I just did. I was scratching my face with my nails, considering cutting myself and then I went downstairs. To the kitchen. To all my medications. I pulled everything out and was contemplating taking a whole heap of them. I think only the thought of scaring my new housemate and that I knew they wouldn’t kill me stopped me from doing it.

I told the people at my support group on Thursday and they made me go to my GP first think on Friday. I now am listed with the acute mental health unit and they are talking to me to see what should be done and I now have other sleeping pills.

I have been okayish for the last week. I managed to hand in one of my outstanding assignments. Tonight I got a bit upset again about the whole work thing, but luckily nothing major. I have emailed the three people from my support group in hopes one of them might be free tomorrow, well today I guess….so I can talk to D about it all before I go to Brisbane tomorrow (i guess it is now).

We shall see how it all goessssssss…. honestly I don’t really want to go to bed yet even though its past 3am and I pratically didn’t sleep last night. I just don’t want to get the time to think and then to worry and upset myself.

I really just want to be back to me a year ago. A happier not suicidal me. I just feel so isolated and alone here. I feel like I have no friends here at all.

I see pictures of H and how it looks like he’s lost weight and all that he’s done, and I wonder what the hell have I acomplished in the last 3 months? Nothing I’ve barely read anything, my life and my house are a mess. I havent been exercising and getting fit like I wanted, I haven’t even touched the spanish program I got and wanted to really learn. I haven’t done anything at all. I’m alive, barely and thats all. My life has been such a waste. I wonder whats the point? I”m never going to get to do the things I dream of, i’m never going to make a difference.

I go to bris tomorrow and won’t be able to do the fun things that I might need because I have no income and everyone will be telling me not to spend money, but i really don’t care. I just want to feel better…………

Feeling pretty down and bad at the moment, though because of the new dose I’m not an emotional wreck right now.

I’ve had a headache for a few days now and the stabbing feeling I am getting in my head is making things worse. I don’t want to sleep, I don’t want to do anything right now. I really just want to curl up and burst into tears. Right now I feel like I just want to sleep though life and never wake up again. I know logically that this will pass, but when your in the rut, logic doesn’t help at all. Once uni is over I will work more with my therapist, to fix the underlying issues to the depression.

Found out today from my therapist that it is unlikely that I will be going on placement come August. I have a meeting with the uni people about this on Friday. I’m not really sure how I feel about this.

Think I might take a heap more of pain killers and maybe add the remaining sleeping tablets to them.

Its been so long since I’ve posted and a lot has happened. Therapy is going well and the medication has kicked in.

Dad came to stay with me for a week and a half (he leaves Thursday). He came for my last week of Uni and also to keep me out of hospital. I was barely eating or drinking, kept thinking of suicide, wanted to go into hospital so someone else could look after me and generally not doing well. I love dad and am so glad he’s here as I haven’t had full bad days yet, just moments like now. When I realise how lonely I am and much I wish I had someone else to help me through this. Family is great but I want someone closer who I can tell anything.

Its times like these I don’t want to get better and I just don’t want to wake up. What did I do to make this happen? I miss who I thought was my best friend so much right now. I want to know if its just me having these issues. He’s over there with friends and I got left all alone. No one close to lean on.

After my therapy session today I went for a 40 minute bike ride and I think I did around 9kms. Felt good, legs were jelly like when I got home though, but that is to be expected.

When I got home I started on that damn case study again. Did some more on it. I’m losing interest though…. I”ve decided that I’ll be handing this assignment in tomorrow no matter what. If it is finished or not. My therapist thinks that I should focus less on uni stuff and focus more on my own personal development and getting better. As she says, maybe I’m sabotaging myself because I don’t think that I am ready for next semester. So I’m doing it unconsciously. It does make sense. As she says it isn’t the end of the world if I have to repeat a subject. But really don’t want to. So I now need to work on self esteem first, she thinks that it could be an underlying issue, and when it gets better the depression will get better on its own.

Ok lost interest in the case study. I’m going to get changed and get some food…unhealthy maccas, but last night I ate popcorn…so I think its a bit better than that.