Had my first session with my new psychologist last week and I have my next one tomorrow. Apparently I have severe clinical depression and mild anxiety. Knowing this doesn’t really help much. The cognitive-behavioural therapy I will be undertaking is supposed to help me relearn new behaviours to replace those that are unhelpful to me.

Some days I don’t even want to get better. At the moment I”m just so tired and am so sick of feeling guilty. I don’t want to do anything when I’m at home and then uni stuff doesn’t get done and I know it needs to be, so then I just feel so guilty but I still can’t get myself to do anything about it. Today I felt so positive about doing stuff when i was at uni and when I got home it started out well. Then I struck a problem in putting the pump into the fish tank and it all fell apart. Seems like that whenever I am at home for more than half an hour everything goes grey. I don’t want to do anything and I am so tired and exhausted. This arfternoon I fell asleep on the couch for a good couple of hours. And yet again my assignments didn’t get done. I keep saying that tomorrow I will hand it in no matter what but I don’t want to hand in something incomplete and since I’m having problems getting to it, it never gets done ad it never gets handed in…

A never ending cycle.

I’ve started thinking about H more and more lately, basically I just end up getting upset because I think it is just me. That I’m the only one having these issues, that I’ve been forgotten, that its like it never happened. Its just do hard some days.

I don’t want to ever wake up.

Listening to mental health stuff at uni isn’t helping me at all. I’ve had a few presentations and lectures that were all about mental health and I can’t help but think how it all applies to me. Then I start thinking about stuff. Slit wrists, medication overdose. Usually nothing more than a fleeting thought but I’m having them more often then I ever had before. I was curious to what the effect would be if I took a months worth of anti-depressants at one go. I know that overdose like that is a painful way to go, the stomach perforates and it isn’t nice at all. Somestimes knowing this kind of info that we learn is not helpful to someone experiencing it at all. I know the logical things but the problem is putting them into action.

I don’t even feel like I want to get better, then I feel horrible and guilty because I wonder if I just want attention and if I’m selfish.

Sleeping forever would help because when I’m asleep I can’t think, i’m not feeling guilty for once.

Don’t want to wake up. Maybe I should have stopped uni alltogether this semester. I can’t cope with it all, I don’t want to do anything. Just sleep. Forever.

I’m sure that title says it all. I’m simply not coping at the moment. It may just be temporary or it could be around for a while. I was fine yesterday (mostly) and this morning, but this afternoon it all changed. I had a nap in the afternoon and then it was all so overwhelming. I felt so alone, isolated and so so guilty and hopeless. I feel guitly because at the moment I don’t care about getting better, I don’t care about anything. Then I feel guilty for burdening Matt with my problems when I called him. I feel guilty for worrying Sam, when he has a new baby and his own issues, guilty for making my siblings pay so much for spending the weekend with me. For Matt spending so much money on my new fish tanks, for not caring about getting a room mate, for not being able to do my assignment.

I just can’t stop. I don’t know what to do. I’m so tired but I don’t want to go to sleep because if I do I don’t think I’m going to want to ever wake up again. I don’t want to kill myself, I just don’t want to live. I want to sleep forever.

So instead of waking Matt up again, I decided to call a help line. I was nervous about doing it, I think maybe I just needed to talk to someone just to hear another person. She was able to calm me down a bit. Its hard listening to all the logical stuff. I know a lot about depression and what to do, I learn that stuff at uni constantly, but it is so different going through it personally. I know that people care and want to help, but I also have trouble seeing it with the depression. I know they want me to talk to them so they can help, yet I still feel like its a burden.

I just can’t cope at all. Most of the time I don’t feel anything at all. My msn name of Nothingness could not be more accurate.

I just don’t know what to do.

life would appear to be at an impasse.

8 people know of the diagnosis, 6 people know of the existence of this blog and there is really only 3 people who are likely to read it. So I suppose I may as well name the diagnosis that I have been given. There is only one person who I haven’t told of the diagnosis who knows of this place, but I think it is highly unlikely that they visit here often if at all.

So as everyone knows that I have been diagnosed with depression and you all know that I’ve been put on medication for it. So far it would seem that the positive affects haven’t occurred yet. I was feeling great a week ago, after I had seen the doctor, talked to people at uni and gotten my tattoos; but this last week has not been good at all. I haven’t wanted to do anything at all. I haven’t read anything, don’t really want to watch anything, don’t want to sleep or eat and when I am in bed, I don’t want to get out of it.

Yesterday I googled suicide, all I looked at was suicide prevention websites and I didn’t bother look any further than the first two results. I don’t even know why I did it, because I don’t feel suicidal at all, hell I don’t really feel anything. I’m not happy and I don’t really feel sad, its like I don’t feel anything at all. It’s a world of nothing.

I’ve really only left the house in the last 6 days for work, appointments and to get food. I can’t be bothered cooking so I’m basically only eating crap food and even then its really only once a day. I don’t want to eat, I can’t be bothered to do anything. Doing the dishes, laundry and cleaning the house are no where near my list of things to do.  Getting myself to read any of my new chapters of stories, write on here or even write simple emails has been hard enough. I just simply don’t care.

I have discovered that when I’m with other people I’m not so bad, its like they are able to push the nothingness back for a while, but as soon as I’m by myself it all comes crashing back. Even though I do know this I don’t really care enough about anything to seek out people for company.

Even though I know lots of information about depression and overall good wellbeing, I just don’t care enough to do anything about it. I barely eat and I drink even less, I’m lucky to even drink a single glass of water or any other liquid. I had a really bad peircing headache for a few days and I did take some painkillers for it but once again, not caring enough to do anything else. My knees are playing up again, my back is sore as well and today my wrist and arm has been aching for hours now and while I wish it would go away, once again just not caring to do anything about it.

I have a week till my VIVA and my case study is due, but once again all the positive feelings have disappeared and I just simply don’t care and just can’t do it. I’m sure people will tell me to just buck it up and buckle down and do it, but I can’t.

So as you can see my life is a whole lot of not caring and not wanting to do anything. While I am really excited and happy for Matt and Cat to visit this week end and to get my fish tank all set up, the whole not caring has been making it hard for me to get out and look at things all on my own. I’m sure living alone really isn’t helping at all, but once again, not caring enough to search out room mates.

At least I have finally been able to update this after over a week of not being able to get the effort to do it.

Well I got them. It hurt like a mofo but they are done! They only took 30-45 minutes and only cost me $115 for both.

I’m so happy!

Today is the day! Ohh I can’t wait! 3 hours to go! I’ll post pictures after its done.

Sam’s little girl finally decided to join the world! Congrats Sam and Kel, love you guys and you’ll be an excellent daddy Sam! Can’t wait to see you guys.

My brother also bought (spelling??) me a 5 ft fish tank! Its HUGE! He’s going to fly down in a few weeks and we’re going to set it all up and it is going to look awesome!

Ok that’s all I’ve got time for right now. I’ll write more after the fore mentioned event happens!!! So excited!

Went to the doctors yesterday, wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be. I’ve been given some new medication that has stupid side affects. Yawning, drowsiness and sleeplessness. Seriously yawning? A drug that can cause drowsiness in some ppl and sleeplessness in others, well on the advise of the doctor I took it in the evening and it turns out that I get sleeplessness. Well I got nearly no sleep last night because I couldn’t stay asleep more than an hour and I was tossing all night. Then I had to get up this morning to get the blood tests done that didn’t happen yesterday. Seriously having little veins is really annoying. Ended up having to get blood from my foot! Who would ever have thought about taking blood from your foot. Though the tech still didn’t get much from it, oh well the lab ppl will have to do with what they got.

Talked to my academic advisor after the doc and we worked out that I would drop one subject and use special consideration and defer assessment and exams till a little later so that I give the new med time to get me better. The subject that I dropped can be taken in the xmas holidays, and I can still do placements next semester. So I’ll still be able to graduate with the rest of my year. YAY!

I let a couple of my good uni friends know what was happening and they are supportive and are happy to help me if I ever need it. Thank god for friends. The doctor was talking about getting me to move onto campus so that I’m around ppl, since being alone right now is not such a great idea.

Read the info that I got given with the new meds and it can have some pretty bad outcomes while they body is getting used to it. You can’t even stop taking it suddenly because you get a bit sick. So seems like I’ll be going to the docs a bit more to make sure its all working.

Well its time for bed I say. Little sleep has given me a head ache and I’ve been up all day and I have to get up early for the lecture…if I go.

On a side note, the baby still hasn’t come! Sam I love you and I hope it comes soon!

I was in bed by 8.30 last night, I fell asleep on the couch while watching mythbusters. It took me a little while to get to sleep, I was worrying about the doctors appointment. I really can’t wait till its over.

I’ve been up since 6.30 and its only 12.30 now and I’m already tired. I still have 7 hours of work to get through. It should be interesting since I don’t finish till 8 and thats basically later than I’ve been going to bed for the last week.

I tried to do my case study this morning but just couldn’t get into it. I’m worried that I won’t be able to do it and that I won’t get it in on time. I’ve heard that it is time consuming and I’m running out of time. Especially since I’m too tired in the evening to work on it. I’ve basically decided just to do enough to either get a pass or to an okay fail mark. I still have the lit review presentation due friday, my VIVA on next wednesday and the oral next thursday. The case study is 20%, the VIVA is 15% and the oral/presentation is 45%. I have to get ok marks, at least not failing too bad if I want to keep passing the subjects.

*sigh* I don’t know if I can do it or not. Maybe I should just defer, except I’m already half way through the semester and I really just want to get it over with, and what would I do if I didn’t do uni? I’m not really in a good state of mind to go out looking for another job and I”ll prob end up holed up in the house and most likely sleeping constantly.

Well its that day again. AI was pretty easy to get into, thinkgeek had a pretty cool prank item.

My tattoos will be here in over a week, put the appointment back a week so a friend from work can come with me for moral support.

My brother has convinced me to go to the doctor, but it maybe too late to save my grades this semester. I’m still sleeping to much, not eating enough, but at least I am trying to go to class.

I’m worried about going to the doctor, it isn’t like there are any physical symptoms, so I don’t know how its going to go.

I am extremely positive about uni at the moment. I got in the mood to do some work this evening. So I have organised all my notes, emailed group members to get started on assignments and made a list of what I want/need to get done this weekend. Again a huge thanks to Sean for nudging me in the right direction and enabling me to get into uni.

I have also made a step towards doing other things in the house. The fire alarms have had their batteries changed for the first time (I think), the shelf in my wardrobe has been fixed thanks to A and I have finally stuck the em strange calendar pictures on my wall and stuck my name sign above a door. All in all it has been a very positive and productive day.

A is planning on leaving in the next day or two. So that means more house cleaning for me and talking to the real estate peoples.

Also I managed to pay all the bills for the next month, which was a lot of money but I’m glad it is done. It lets me know what money I have left over.